Hay.

A community is a group of individuals who share common values, goals, interests, identities and/or attitudes. Feeling as though we’re part of a community gives the sense that we are part of something much larger than ourselves. For some individuals, it gives them purpose. For others, it gives them a place to belong. In some cases, however, communities can be toxic to potential new members.

Communities are formed by the commonalities of its inhabitants. Furthermore, membership” in a community is usually determined by meeting certain criteria…or standards. Standards can be both good and bad. On one hand, standards create uniformity at a level that is deemed acceptable by community members. On the other hand, standards create uniformity at a level that is deemed acceptable by community members.

Stay with me, now. 

What I’m trying to say is that the BDSM community has standards. Standards such as trauma, consent and the setting of boundaries are built into the very framework of our community and its practices. We even have standards about subjects like rope, impact play and choking. 

We also have the kind of standards that cause us to alienate, ridicule, mock or even belittle those we don’t feel meet our own kinky standards for BDSM. As long as we keep being elitist about BDSM, not only will we discourage people from pursuing kink, we run the risk of repeating behaviors that tear communities, especially marginalized ones, apart. 

So what if you don’t like pain or dishing it out.

So what if a hair pull and an ass slap is kinky to you.

So what if you despise degradation.

So what if you don’t know your way around rope.

Your experiences are valid.

You are kinky enough.

You are enough.