Non-Monogamy and BDSM

by | Feb 9, 2022 | BDSM, Communication, Non Monogamy, Relationships

Non-monogamy, as it intersects with BDSM, is not an oft discussed topic. Discussing it, however, could mean the difference between causing others you play with emotional or even traumatic suffering. No matter what consenting individuals decide to do together, it still represents a type of relationship and all relationships should lead in intentionality.

Cooperative creation is a concept within BDSM that states all involved parties must design things together as a means of creating equity. This includes every aspect of kink that involves others outside of yourself. Whether its pick-up play, occasional playmates, a light dynamic or TPE (total power exchange), BDSM requires everyone’s’ voice be heard. It keeps both the interests of yourself and playmates at heart when we center and communicate our needs outside of sexual desire.

What am I referring to when I use a phrase like non-monogamal BDSM? Well, certain kinds of relationships traditionally come with an understanding of exclusivity unless otherwise conveyed or discussed. I could sit here and talk about monogamy and marriage and dating and blah blah. I will spare you. Leading in intentionality means talking about the confines of the relationship you intend to form with someone else. Its also a good idea to talk about exclusivity for the sake of being ethical. Non-monogamal BDSM should be just as ethical as its more romance oriented counterpart. Lets look at a few things to consider during co-creation:

-Are we exclusive to one another? If not, what does that look like? If so, what does that look like
-Do you harbor any expectations outside of the dynamic
-Are we playing with just ourselves at events or are we playing with new folks too?
-What is our protocol for keeping each other safe? Condoms? Dams?
-Are there certain words, titles, phrases etc that someone feels is only for them? (Once a sub asked me not to allow anyone else to call me Daddy. I complied)
-Are there certain acts that are considered special/sacred in our dynamic? How do you feel about them being done with someone else?
-Are we only being non-monogamous with our bdsm at play parties? What about irl?
-How would you feel about someone having a second dom or sub?

This are just a few common things to consider, but remember that discussions like these often leave people feeling vulnerable especially if they have previous trauma around BDSM relationships. Create together and execute as a team while preparing space for others to tell you whats on their heart. There are floggers and paddles and rope, but kindness, consideration, empathy, understanding and communication are some of the very best tools.

Stay kinky. Be good.

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